...

I haven't written a blog in a while. Not that anybody reads them par Jess tbh.

I've only recently realised that there is quite a lot of stuff going on atm, and I haven't really thought about it till I knew I wasn't happy. And I didn't at first know why I was unhappy. As I didn't feel anything major had happened. But as always its loads of little things that pile up on things and hit me in the end. I shall list the problems I have atm. Even though I feel so pathetic to be so unhappy about them -- well least some of them.

Firstly I guess the matter I had over the whole of summer was Uni. Worrying if I'd be able to mend my relationship with my mate -- the one I was gonna live with, with 5 other strangers whom she had already bonded with. This answer I still don't know. I'm back at uni, she's talking to me. But not all the house mates have moved in yet. So I'm scared to think what they're gonna think about me. 'cos I hardly ever make friends -- just people I know and randomly talk to as I'm to shy to make things happen if I feel that they don't like me -- which could be bollocks as I read into things too much sometimes.
Another Uni trouble is friends generally. I haven't made one successful relationship yet, not one person to rely on -- I thought I had at the beginning but they all felll apart. I now just gotta make all the effort and suck up the fact that Im not gonna be asked out to do things. Im not gonna be the person people first think to hang out with. So I shall just remind them I'm still here and ask them. 'cos for all I know, they could be feeling the same thing.
I'm gonna make more effort to make new friends too. Join a society or something. I'm sick of seeing all my mates from back home having a blast at uni where I feel like mine is shit compared.
I'm worried about money too. I really need a job. Seen as Im paying bills now and shitt.
I'm worried I'll hate my course or do really shit and fail. I wanna do well. I have one shot at this. BUt I dunno if I have the brains for it. I just have to kick myself to try.

Then with shizz back home. My Gran has secondary bone cancer. I have no idea if she'll be okay if it's anywhere else yet. Another thing I've gotta wait for.
As well as my mum having an operation. ANd I can't be there for her. And I know it hurts her that I won't be.

I've just gotta wait until all the things turn out to play. I've just gotta wait to see how I can act when I'm eventually faced with things. I've gotta be patient to let things happen. I've gotta be determined to get the things I want, not just be lazy and settle for crap. For once in my life I will be truly happy with myself and my situation knowing I've done everything to make it better.